Sunday, April 04, 2010

emotional mess

I know I haven't been on here much lately but I guess I haven't felt like I had much to say (I often feel like that). However, my beautiful sister wants me to get back on here and write so for her (and a little for myself) I will attempt this yet again.

Rather than trying to catch up with everything that has been going on since I was last on here I'm going to start with the present.

On this glorious Easter day I have probably gone through every emotion imaginable starting off with anger and exacerbation then moving on to exhaustion, loneliness and self pitying and lastly blessed, loved and at ease (not only with myself but with those around me). Where are all of these emotions coming from? Firstly a build up of life questions that have been haunting me lately and secondly from a side effect of being a female (when I was younger I used to not believe in PMS but as I've grown older I've been more observant of changes in mood and lack of emotional restraint once a month or so).

While I could go on and on about the latter reason I want to focus this post more on the persistent life questions that have been following me around lately. I started this year off wonderful and confident and feeling like I was learning and growing in my relationship with God a lot. As soon as I proclaimed this growth to a few friends satan attacked me with past sins, self doubt, and insecurities and rather than face them full on I ran away and hid from the world.  This way the world (you) wouldn't see how messed up I truly am. Since then God has been slowly drawing me back out of my hiding place with questions like:

What do you have to be afraid of?
How can you feel unloved with a father like me?
How do you communicate to others?
Why are you letting other peoples problems hurt you? Give them to me.

Each of these questions that I've thought about before but never needed the answers to more than now.

I was helping my mom out with Easter dinner this afternoon and purging all of these thoughts and more on her while she patiently and quietly pointed me back to putting my trust in God. It made me think of all the suffering that I've put myself through in the past and compare with the suffering that Jesus endured on the cross over 2,000 years ago for me and it reminded me that He suffered so I wouldn't have to. A simple concept all too easy to forget. Being able to forgive myself for the faults in my life that he forgave me for a long time ago.

Thanks Abba!


The Lourceys said...

Oh Harmony! I'm so glad you're back! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I've been battling with some of these same questions and I've realized that I have to preach the Gospel to myself daily. Easter is a great reminder of that. :)

Elizabeth said...

Thanks for sharing your heart... I too am glad you're back. It's so easy (and I for one should know!) to feel defeated by the insecurities and self doubts that Satan brings. So thankful you have an amazing Mom to remind you of truth. So thankful that God's love is never-ending. Just tonight I was frustrated and disappointed and sad riding the tram to the store and found myself singing "My only hope is you Jesus"... so thankful am I that I can cling to this hope and truth. Love you! Praying for you!

mommajeane said...

I have checked your blog several times and was wondering myself... glad you are back... sorry to hear you have had it rough... I am available to listen...I will pray for you.You are special to all of us and always welcome.