Monday, April 05, 2010

things i don't want to forget

So I've told this story to a few friends and will probably never forget it but in the event that my memory gets really bad this is one I don't want to forget.

This past week nearing the end of the work day while playing out on the parking lot with the remainder of my students and the two year old class one of my kids fell down and scraped their knee. I of course go over and pretend to perform emergency surgery and "cut off" their leg to be replaced with a new one. With my assistants help and after many giggles the surgery was a success and the patient walked away well with a new and improved elephant leg. After he got up one of our two year olds flopped herself in my lap and yelled "cut me, cut me."

I can't tell you how long I laughed but it was the perfect end to a day and just reminds me of our pure and simple these kids are. We show them something and they react in honest eagerness (whether or not what they ask is actually good for them or not). I love being able to have a conversation with these little ones and walk away astounded at their innocence and purity. No wonder you hear so many instances of children praying to God about crazy things and God coming through for them. I want that kind of innocence and purity in my conversations with Him again and always. And not just because I want Him to give me what I want, but to have Him reveal Himself to me too.

I guess the first step is mine.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

emotional mess

I know I haven't been on here much lately but I guess I haven't felt like I had much to say (I often feel like that). However, my beautiful sister wants me to get back on here and write so for her (and a little for myself) I will attempt this yet again.

Rather than trying to catch up with everything that has been going on since I was last on here I'm going to start with the present.

On this glorious Easter day I have probably gone through every emotion imaginable starting off with anger and exacerbation then moving on to exhaustion, loneliness and self pitying and lastly blessed, loved and at ease (not only with myself but with those around me). Where are all of these emotions coming from? Firstly a build up of life questions that have been haunting me lately and secondly from a side effect of being a female (when I was younger I used to not believe in PMS but as I've grown older I've been more observant of changes in mood and lack of emotional restraint once a month or so).

While I could go on and on about the latter reason I want to focus this post more on the persistent life questions that have been following me around lately. I started this year off wonderful and confident and feeling like I was learning and growing in my relationship with God a lot. As soon as I proclaimed this growth to a few friends satan attacked me with past sins, self doubt, and insecurities and rather than face them full on I ran away and hid from the world.  This way the world (you) wouldn't see how messed up I truly am. Since then God has been slowly drawing me back out of my hiding place with questions like:

What do you have to be afraid of?
How can you feel unloved with a father like me?
How do you communicate to others?
Why are you letting other peoples problems hurt you? Give them to me.

Each of these questions that I've thought about before but never needed the answers to more than now.

I was helping my mom out with Easter dinner this afternoon and purging all of these thoughts and more on her while she patiently and quietly pointed me back to putting my trust in God. It made me think of all the suffering that I've put myself through in the past and compare with the suffering that Jesus endured on the cross over 2,000 years ago for me and it reminded me that He suffered so I wouldn't have to. A simple concept all too easy to forget. Being able to forgive myself for the faults in my life that he forgave me for a long time ago.

Thanks Abba!